“So we keep waiting, waiting on the world to change…”  John Mayer

The new year is upon us… I think I can honestly say that I have no regret that 2010 is over. It seems like I spent the whole year in a state of waiting, and I hate waiting…

I have spent a lot of time in my life waiting… for almost eight years, I found myself walking on eggshells, waiting for doctors and lab reports. There is no easy way to bide your time, waiting for results to come in from CAT scans, PET scans, blood work, biopsies, and the like. And not being the patient directly involved with the results only made things worse. The sense of helplessness and dread stays in the forefront of your mind every moment. Time seems to pass slower, yet, as it does pass, the tension builds and becomes oppressive. And, in my case, the revelations at the end of each period of waiting were never rewarding. It was only a resetting of the clock to the next waiting period.

I do not mean to be depressing; I am merely stating facts. Anyone that knows me can testify to the fact that my level of patience is, shall we say, thin.  Part of my long-term fight with insomnia is due to the fact that sleeping is just a form of waiting. It’s a time where you have to force yourself to shut down your mind and wait for it to recharge, and I find it much more interesting to keep the machine running while it is plugged in, so to speak.

That being said, most of 2010, for me, has been like staring at a clock. I am not at liberty to discuss the exact details of what I am currently waiting for, so my agent has told me, but it involves what could be, and what I hope will be, a life-changing moment, the realization of a dream I have had since I was old enough to think about it. And it is driving me nuts, to put it quite frankly, because, once again, there is nothing to do but wait.

My solace for many years has always been putting words on paper. In times of stress, in times of sorrow, I write. But, for the last few months, it just was not working. Words flowed, but they made no sense. Any attempts to create turned into amazing streams-of-consciousness diatribes. Before  you gentle readers panic, I did save every word, because, as any creative person will tell you, you never know where you will get inspiration from. But, there was no way I was willing to share any of that stuff with you as it was written. Shades of Jesse Ventura’s vast conspiracy library mixed with angry rants against, well, virtually anything and anyone that came to mind were the main stars of these marathon writing sessions. I read through them a few minutes ago, and I found myself shaking my head and muttering, “Burn these pages and never speak of them again…”

What I realized, though, was that I was waiting to put anything out there. My waiting was making me wait! I had become my own Marty McFly paradox, and Biff Tannen was knocking me on the head, trying to wake me up to the fact. Dear Lord, I had become a movie cliché…

I never make New Year’s resolutions because they are generally ridiculous and involve some half-hearted promise that you know you will never stick to. It harkens to swearing to all that is good and pure that you will never drink again while you are lying face down in the bathroom trying to crawl across the bathmat to rid yourself of the three gallons of peppermint schnapps you drank the night before. It’s a good idea, but it will never stick. An old superstition, though, grabbed me by the neck and dragged me to a new place. Many people believe that, whatever you do on New Year’s Day is how you will spend the next year. People will not do laundry, for example, on January 1 because they don’t want to spend their year doing laundry all the time. Something in that idea rang a bell with me, so I spent most of the day writing. I worked my way through one of my many notebooks, picking out details, notions, etc., and just playing with them. Anything to keep myself focused on putting words on paper and following them wherever they led me.

I am a superstitious person by nature, as well, but that’s a story for another posting. For now, let’s just leave it at the fact that this is one superstition I sincerely hope is true, and I will be writing solidly for the year 2011. So far, it is looking very good.

Meanwhile, I am still waiting on that one particular thing to occur. And when it does, gentle readers, be assured you will know when it happens. That explosion you hear will be me. That light in the sky will be the dream becoming a fire that will change everything.

Dammit… I hate waiting…

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